Public Safety Announcement
Authorities
are urging all pumpkins to take cover under the leafy parts of their vines, and to avoid urban areas at all
costs. No pumpkin is safe in this town. The Serial Squash Slayer, a.k.a. the Pumpkin Patch
Predator, a.k.a. the Cucurbita Killer still remains at large.
Most squash slayings are easily solved - Victim was typically picked up by perpetrator
at a grocery store parking
lot, Perpetrator typically targets only one victim. In contrast,
the Serial Squash Slayer has a different target acquisition
pattern and expanding
victim base and seems to frequent the Wubba-Bubba movie studio
lot in Burbank. (Thanks to Wubba-Bubba Studios for making
this information available to the public as a public service
announcement.)
We turn now to the case notes (Autopsy table shown below):
Case Time Table:
A "St. Matthews Med" PA driving his golf cart down Larramie street on the
cold overcast morning of October 12, discovered a squash body lying face down on the porch of one of the buildings.
The PA thought at first that it was face up, due to the "face" carved on it but paramedics arriving on the scene corrected
this misperception.
The victim had been scalped and scooped.
It's back had been carved into a suprised smile, a grotesque mockery of the emotions it must have been feeling
as it was stabbed 114 times.
The body was identified as Golden, a.k.a. "Goldie" McPumpkin, a 28-week-old extra on the set of the "Wholesome Girls"
TV series. Goldie was known to regularly wander off the set.
The post mortem showed that it was heavily intoxicated at the time.
The pathology report revealed that it had been attacked from behind,
bashed in the head with two blows of a flail, one of which shattered its stem.
Death seems to have resulted from heavy internal seeding. The carving wounds were made on the body after it was dead suggesting the work of a sadist.
While "Goldie" was the first victim to be found, it was not the first to be killed.
In the unfolding days, more pumpkins were found throughout
the east side of the studio lot. The murders were linked because of the similarities in the
carving and killing style, although as the slayings progressed, the method of
the slayer escalated to more gruesome tactics.
Suspects in the case include the furtive studio head, several beloved cartoon
characters, a disgruntled writer from "Wholesome Girls" and a rejected contestant from the
"We Make Over Your Extremities" Reality TV series.
Since the news of the slayings broke, public response has hampered the investigation.
Copycat criminals may be using the tactics of the Serial
Squash Slayer
to cover up unrelated murders (as suspected with victims #5 and 7). Victims
#13 and 14 seem to have staged a pre-emptive double suicide
with carving after the fact by vandals. Note that evidence
for victim #13 has been tampered with and the crime
scene picture is missing. This matter is under internal investigation.
Autopsy (picture above) is on Victim #12, the last to be found. "Squash Doe" has not yet been identified.
Serial Squash Slayer profile
Our experts have compiled the following profile that matches the M.O. of the "Serial Squash Slayer", a.k.a. "Pumpkin Patch Predator",
a.k.a. "Cucurbita Killer".
Residence (at time of slayings) - suspected to be within two blocks of Wubba Bubba Studios.
Murder type/Practices - Serial Killer / Sadism / Anthropogenic Mutilation / Ritual.
Method/Weapons Used - Scalping, gutting, stabbing, bashing, sawing, drilling / knives, hacksaw, power
drill, claw hammer, large screw, rope, rifle, handgun.
Organization - Disorganized.
Mobility - Stable.
Victim Vicinity - Picked up at "Midwestern Street", bodies dumped in East Side.
Murder Time Span - October 3 - STILL AT LARGE.
Victim Type - Squash, Pumpkinoid, of the family Cucurbitaceae. S.S. Slayer selects
large, unblemished
ovoid pumpkins and inflicts a signature gruesome face carving
on each.
Any information leading to the arrest and conviction of the S.S. Slayer will be handsomely rewarded! (We mean that literally.
You'll get a guest spot on the Reality TV Series: "Who made over my extremities?" Offer void where prohibited by good taste.
Warning, graphic images. Please do not view if you have heart problems or are allergic to winter squash.
More Pumpkin Websites
