Angel of the
lord
(allegedly)
Overview
Many people wonder, how will The Lord know when the moment or hour of
the end times is upon us? Well,
there are Angels
among us, keeping
track of the
conditions pre-requisite
to the end times.
The angels report
on these conditions.
When the level
of sin has reached a certain level,
then Boom, it's
time for the
Trumpet to blow,
and the end to
come.
At least that's what Mr. Gholombezom says. He also claims
to be one of those afore-mentioned
Angels. Actually,
all this is put
together from
his occasional ramblings on the topic. (Yes, there is some speculation
that Gholombezom
is actually a
human, but there
are tests that
he claims to have passed that prove he's an
Angel...)
As Gholombezom says, keeping track requires perspective.
The wicked generation
must be more wicked than the
generation at
the time of Jesus. If they are on par with the generation at the
time of Jonah, then they are not wicked enough. So, you see,
Gholombezom studies literature and statistics to incorporate
historical perspective into his assessment of evil.
He spends a lot of time graphing levels of evil, economic
productivity, population,
mini-skirt hemlines
and a few other factors
over time. Note
that these graphs
are hard to plot with any accuracy, and
Mr. Gholombezom's
stats aren't
very well organized.
So it's very
speculative.
Also, he draws
these graphs
on paper recycled
from the waste paper baskets of strangers. Mostly
from the faculty of biology departments. These papers come to him already
filled
with graphs and
drawings of single-celled organisms on one side. This confuses
Gholombezom and he often loses track of what he's writing. But
he refuses to use
new paper.
And he never throws any of
the papers out.
As a result,
there are piles
and piles of crudely drawn
graphs on paper of all sizes and textures collecting
dust mixed in
with his collection of antique, foot powered sewing machines (don't ask.)
Sometimes, (he says) when determining the level of wickedness in the world, Angels
go on instinct and off the
fume of human passions. But every time they do this and blow
a premature trumpet (As described in his own
autobiographical story of his cherub-hood, "The Cherub who cried Apocalypse!",
God sends them back with a stern lecture. Just the facts, Angels.
Just the facts.
The Ajaban L'Helmellah Factor affects Mr. Gholombezom's work
and frankly, frustrates him.
Isn't God's
Patience Amazing? Many times, Mr.
Gholombezom has
been shocked by human activities. But then he gets
even more shocked by God's
legendary patience.
His patience
is bigger than your patience. It's certainly bigger than Gholombezom's.
(Although what Gholombezom
lacks in patience,
he makes up for in inertia, which some people mistake for patience,
but it's not the same. Not remotely.)
Gholombezom (from the couch, in a state of inertial stupor)
cries out "God Destroy everyone already"! But God does not. Then
he cries out, "Let the evil destroy themselves!" But they do not. They just seem to thrive
and cause a lot of collateral
damage. So Mr. Gholombezom
turns on the satellite TV
and watches runway models
and Arab music videos and
plays the stock market. Then he tries to con someone into
getting him another glass
of tea.
Gholombezom FAQ (Just the FAQs. No answers yet.)
- Who is Gholombezom?
- What does his name mean?
- Is he really an Angel of the Lord?
- Why does he look like a middle-aged man and bother his neighbors?
- What "tests" has he passed that prove he's an Angel?
- Why does he wander around red-light districts?
- What is "A Monitoring Function?"
- What is "Assessment"?
- Why does he like to say "Assessment" so much?
- Why does he pronounce it "ASSSS-essment?"
- What happened to Jesus' Ass?
- What are his (other) duties as an Angel of the Lord?
- How can you tell if you're an Angel of the Lord?
- What does it mean to be deputized as an Angel?
- Can I get deputized as an Angel of the Lord?
- If I am deputized as an angel, can I walk around the red light district?
- Can I contact Gholombezom? (No! He's been getting a lot of junk mail lately. He doesn't like spam and will appeal to the Lord
for extra punishment for spammers in the 8th level of hell. In the meantime, if you want you can use the website contact page and we will
forward your message).
Favorite Quotes:
- "On the eighth day, God got bored and turned off the television." (and the congregation says "This was the end of the world. Amen.")
- (Said while looking into the mirror) "God made man in his own image!" (And here he sucks in his gut and gets a scowlingly serious
expression on his face like he's trying to
look impressive and imposing - except you
just wonder how a chinless face could look
so monstrous)
"So this is what God looks like. Because if this is the image then what's in
the mirror must be the original!" To which Zemzem says "I don't think that's how mirrors work." And then, "I thought
you said you were an angel." And Gholombezom deflates, unfurling his big belly - it seemed such a strain
to hold it in. "Yes." He says. And then points to her image in the mirror. "You see! There it is. In his own image."
Coming Soon:
-
A picture of Gholombezom!
-
Gholombezom reciting "The Greatest of these is Love"
and "Zendegy yaany hayahoo"
-
The story of Jamshied and Zemzem and the message to Mr.
Gholombezom
-
A Children's book: The Cherub Who Cried "Apocalypse!"
-
How to get a giant concave Mirror so that you can look
like Gholombezom.
-
Rare footage of Mr. Gholombezom barking at children.
We're out interviewing the alleged angel.
We'll complete
this section
when we get back!
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