Mating At Ajaban!

Yes, folks, it's TIME TO MATE! And Ajaban is here to help you with that. We believe in mating. Four billion years of evolution can't be wrong. Take your partner, do si do. (Does this seems heterosexist? Mate can mean "either of two matched objects." Also, before judging anyone consider: What if NO ONE was sexually oriented towards YOU? So just be happy for whoever can get any and wish yourself some luck.)

• Serious Mating Site
• Frivolous Mating FAQ's

SERIOUS MATING SITE! (as of 12/18/02) It has come to our attention that there is a fine site out there that does pretty much what we were planning to do with this mating site. Yes, a systematic approach to determining your compatibility instead of shot-in-the-dark insanity. This is a site that really cares about the success of long term love. Yes, much more research money is spent on things like viagra, as if we all need help maintaining erections, when what we really need help with is maintaining a glowing long term love (70% of marriages end in divorce or grim joylessness). Priorities, I say.

So, as it will take Ajaban some time to get our act together for a mating algorithm, and as we at Ajaban have other priorities, and in an effort to not reinvent the wheel, we will be referring you folks to the eharmony site (just click on the button in the box above, or just click here) or mating support. (Note, our ethical standards also prompt us to mention that we get a comission from referring you to this site, if you join of course. And we would like an invitation to the wedding if it works out. Two people, care of Ajaban. We will send two deserving singles to such weddings, because you can meet a lot of nice people at weddings.) Please note, this site is serious. They say it themselves: Dating For A Serious Relationship It is geared toward mature minded singles that are looking for a long-term relationship. If you're just out there to get laid and whatnot, stick to the regular sites.

Aside from that, we at Ajaban have a few frivolous thoughts on mating, and with the burden of being serious taken up by eharmony above, we feel free to just fool around hereinbelow:

Mating FAQs (Sorry, I have yet to Answer all the Qs here. If you want to be notified of updates, please leave your email here. Thanks.):

• What is mating?
• Bus? What bus?
• Is mating just about finding a life partner and setting up house?
• What is love?
• What is true love?
• What are some of the ingredients of love?
• What are Circumstance, Chemistry, Choice, Committment, Shared values, Communication/conflict style and Other things?
• What is the Mating Dilemma?
• Why is it important to have a legend of our love?
• How can we enhance the legend of our love?
• Is it true that men idealize physical perfection in their mates while women seek metaphysical perfection?
• How can we tell if our relationship will last?
• What is the Conflict-o-meter?
• Can I impose on my beloved?
• Are there limits to this?
• What is the true meaning of the song "I'll never be your beast of burden?"
• What is an Exit Strategy and why do I need one?
• What are the spiritual dimensions of mating?
• How does the Ajaban mating site incorporate alleged Shi-ite Muslim doctrines into its set up?
• What is a temporary marriage?
• What are the advantages to being a concubine?
• What is the "first look" policy?
• What is Ajaban's policy on Flirting?
• How can I improve my flirting skills?
• What is Ajaban's policy on Teacher-Student Romantic Relationships?

What is Mating?
The definition of mating is to fit together as a couple. Like gears. To form part of a well oiled machine. I know, you're thinking we just want to have a few drinks together, get to know each other. Fine. But you should know you have the capacity to form a well oiled machine with the Intended under consideration. So think about what you want that machine to do. Think about where that bus is going.

Bus? What bus?
All men (OK: all people) are like buses and you can see their destination emblazoned on their forehead like a bus display. Some destinations include "Nowhere, just parked here in the depot." So here's the deal. There are a lot of useful metaphors to come from this bus analogy for mating. Such as: catch the bus you want, that's going where you want it to. It's usually going where it says it is. Where do you find the bus? Look at the schedule, these prowling buses are often to be found in obvious tracks. If you miss it, another will be by in a few minutes (an hour if you live in an out of the way place). Also, keep in mind that in our global economy, these buses can go pretty far, so the question is, are you willing to geograhically relocate? Finally, maybe you should consider buying a car. I don't know if you really want to ride something everyone else is riding. Whoops, now we've reached the limit of our metaphor and it's counter-productive. Next topic.

Is mating just about finding a life partner and setting up house?
Not at all. The life partner thing is just one flavor of partnership. Friends, guys on ships, drinking buddies. All mates. And being flexible and open about the multiple mates one can have is a good idea. But while there can be many mates, there should really be only one Mate (at a time). Trust me. Better men and women than you have tried the poly-mating thing and suffered. So while you're looking for that one (overidealized, I'm sure, you sap) Mate, you are also networking and otherwise forming other associations, part of another dimension of the machinery of human machinations. So it sometimes happens that people classify that mating/love distinction by specifying different mate classes and love classes. Like "friend", "acquaintance", "sister" and "eros", "philia", "agape". Most of this site refers to the blending of all that into pair-bonding kind of mating, but that's only because it's a young site. One day, in the distant future, this will just be one huge love-o-rama, encompassing all your love needs, from mating to communing with nature. You freaky relational love entity, you.

What is Love?
Love is a many splendored thing.
Love is one of the most powerful forces on this planet.
Love can take you where reason clearly would suggest otherwise.
(Into the institution of marriage, for example.)

Love is insanity.

As if two people can promise forever to each other! The sheer reckless optimism of it.

What is True Love?
True Love is insanity that pays off.

OK, Truth. Love is this relational force backed by the full faith and credit of 4 billion (or gazillion, if you count...more) years of evolution. It's tough stuff. It can take whatever you have to give. It's bigger than all of us, but we (we being the pronouns thou, you, I, them and us...it's relational, y'know) are major ingredients. It's ubiquitous and mundane yet each participant has the joy of discovering it anew, as if for the first time, virgin-esque. We often take it for granted and don't notice that it's there, this love thing, breathing on us. Often, we don't use it. Yes, sadly. It sits unused. It likes being used. Use it or lose it. Cheesy and profound. The grin maker. The tear jerker. Etc.

What are some of the ingredients of love?
Well, obviously, you need a LOVER and a BELOVED. love is made up of Circumstance, Chemistry and Choice. And shared values. And communication and conflict resolution styles. And all kinds of other things. Plain dumb luck.

Circumstance means: You have to meet the beloved. How can you have love if you never bump into the fool? Hence this site will have lots of tips on how to actually meet your fellow love fool. Plus the site itself (once I go dynamic - bear with me), being a Meet Market, may help you accomplish this goal. A word to the wise fool, though, the way you meet one another, the peculiar circumstances under which this happens, can be important. Not that anything dire will happen if it's not that auspicious a meeting, but the better, more unique or peculiar that meeting is, the more it enhances the connection (First, by boosting the Chemistry - as peculiar meetings trip chemical chaos in the body which helps the memory and emotional wiring of the subject, and Second, by adding to the Legend of your love).

Chemistry means: That certain whatsits. You know.

Choice: This is a key component of meaning in this universe. It's the whole defining thing. I am because I choose, etc. In the world of mating, as in so many other realms of human and animal existence, the battle between good and evil is best defined as a battle between force (forced entry? Driven by a need for control/authority/power) and choice, or free will (driven by the market?). Of course, the thing with free will is that it's one thing to choose, oh joy, but the flip side is that you have to be chosen in return, and you can't always control your choosability. Curses! This is the Mating Dilemma. Competition in the realm of LOVE seems wrong! Especially when I'm supposed to be loved just as I am unconditionally! So there is a constant struggle in the world for those who feel the need for greater control (force) over the choice of others, to try to fix the playing field by limiting the options and freedom available to the object of choice. The battle of the sexes springs up from this. A lot of petty activity on both sides that can best be summed up as "anti-trust" and needs to be opposed by freedom lovers everywhere. A tendency to try to fix the love market place by limiting the options available to the Other. Gender cartels are formed. There is price-fixing. All of this rises out of insecurity. Anyway, suck it up. Is it so bad to strive to be a better lover? We all win.

The Legend of your Love.
A crucial factor of mating is the legend of your romance. How you meet is often a key component of this legend. Not that it has to be spectacular or anything. It can be low key. The point is, that when your destiny becomes entangled with another, you have the opportunity to tell the story of who you are and who you will become with this new sidekick...er, beloved. You are free to embellish. Lay it on thick. A legend has some element of truth, but a lot of mythology as well. If you can tell a good story, you can have a good love. There's a great Rumi poem here, "unfold your own mystery" or something. Stay tuned.

How can we enhance the legend of our love?
Beats me. It's YOUR love. You gotta tell your own story. Nobody does it better than you. My idea of a love legend is probably pretty sappy for you. And remember, it's OK to have different versions of the same legend. You don't need to keep your stories straight. As long as the chorus is in harmony.

But then again, meeting at Ajaban.com is a great way to kick off the legend of your love. After all, this site is pretty strange. Not everyone would want to meet here. We alienate as much as we attract (aliens!) and don't consider that a flaw. In fact, we're separating wheat from chaffe here, if you know what I mean. Oh sure, some of the chaffe will hang out expectantly, hopefully, trying to mate with the wheat, lingering around. Some of the wheat will take pity on it. And that's yet another legend. Of all the websites in all the cyber space, you had to pick this one.

Is it true that men idealize physical perfection in their mates while women seek metaphysical perfection?
Yes. Sadly. They're doomed. Might as well mate a Zebra to a Koala.

How can we tell if our relationship will last?
Duh! You can't! It's that whole uncertainty principle. You don't even know if you're going to be alive tomorrow and you want a love guarantee? I told you this is insanity. But if it makes you feel any better, there are some factors and probability tables which you can take a look at which can give you a sense of control over the uncertainty, a number to hold on to as the mystery unfolds. We promise to feature such probability tables and quizes once I figure out how to make this site dynamic. Really. It could happen.

But more importantly, if you commit to it, it has a better chance of lasting. It's a lot of work, though, because apparently, the mind changes back and forth. So sometimes you're just holding on by your teeth. This is where the story of your love becomes a cliff hanger. In some cases, the love just moves on and there is a spin-off series. The ratings may be higher for the next series, you never know.

What is the Conflict-o-meter?
This is the gimmick of this website. We have such a cool questionnaire process set up that we will be able to assess 3 things to help you find a great match. Your conflict style, and your values and dominant personality strategy. These bits of data will be analyzed and processed to produce a quick and easy reference (with our proprietary algorithm!) When you seek a match with someone at Ajaban, you will get a printout that will tell you the types of conflict you are likely to have, what they will be about, and the way they will play out. Then you can determine if you want to bother with that. In any case, it's a great relationship tool. All right here.

OK, I've run out of steam. More later.

Flirting. The queen of advice on Flirting comes from Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners. Here is Miss Ettiquette's summary of Miss Manner's guidelines (http://www.miss-etiquette.com/etiquette_advice.html), but I shall have to get permission to get Miss Manner's words reprinted here someday. Or, just go and buy the book: Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Good Behavior. If you're going courting, you need to know how to do it right.

Policy on Teacher-Student dating. OK, here's the deal. It's all in the timing. I know of plenty of professors who end up marrying their (ex) students. OK, three. There is the infamous Prof. Nash, made famous in "Beautiful Mind". And there is this Prof. Watts I had a crush on at the UC, and I wish I had pursued him, because he ended up marrying a student. Could have been me. Then again, he drank too much coffee, and paced in front of the lecture hall, oh, what a dynamic figure. And finally, there is this woman I met who married her chemistry prof. They subsequently divorced and then he died of cancer, but this is not because they sinned or anything. These things happen.